Remember that there’s no shame in being left: Ask Ellie

Dear Readers: A searing incident in one woman’s life after 18 years married to a man she loved: Her husband ended discussions and therapists’ appointments and left, permanently. His wife gave him a sandwich to take to work.

Then she went through emotional hell till she found her own power and learned to live her best life.

Julie Starr, author of Your Husband Left, Now What? is that woman. She studied to became a life coach and specializes in helping female clients who’ve experienced similar emotional trauma.

I was eager to read her book because of my own work in relationship issues. By coincidence, Starr is also a distant family member who I haven’t seen in many years.

Life coaches have become a popular resource for clients struggling with deep emotional pain, but focused more on getting through their present and future trials with less emphasis on the past than some other counselling approaches.

In 2006, Starr graduated a three-year Certified Coach program from online Coach U, which bills itself as the leading global provider of coach training programs.

“It’s who I am, a cheerleader for others, client-guided and dealing with all kinds of relationships,” Starr says.

There are many current books on “abandoned wives” and the ones I’ve read/written about have something to offer people looking for meaningful direction going forward on their own.

So, I asked Starr for her most essential tips in her own words:

1) Allow yourself to fall apart and experience a grief process, to get through your adjustment.

2) Know in your heart and gut that there’s no shame in being left. Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your value.

3) Hold on to your power. Women often attach their heart to their partner. But your first relationship is with yourself. So, learn how to be happy with yourself.

4) Ready yourself for the legal maze of divorce. Read up on what’s entailed, and if necessary, hire a divorce lawyer.

5) Find and surround yourself with supportive people. Nurture them and they’ll nurture you. Your needs include body, mind, and soul through self-care, self-calming and, Starr adds, a spiritual sense, such as contemplating the larger meaning of life.

6) Be your own hero. On serious matters — e.g., money — analyze the situation, strategize and then take action as an informed individual.

I finally asked Starr, what about men who are left by their wives?

“Women leave and the husband’s left in shock. While it’s not my niche for coaching, I wish that people of every gender and lifestyle find their better life after trauma.”

Q: My eight-year-old daughter has a very close friend whose mother has anxieties. New kids have joined their classroom and my daughter’s eager to know some of them better through playdates.